If you were to strike up a conversation amongst friends or start a discussion thread on Facebook about male sexuality versus female sexuality and which is more complicated, what do you imagine the consensus would be?
It’s easy enough to know where social science and society in general stands on the matter. Just do a Google Search.
You’ll find titles like these:
- Why is female sexuality more complex than males’?
- Why the female orgasm is so complicated?
- Female sexuality may be even more complex than we realized
- Study: Female desire more complicated
- Why Women Are So Complicated
- Why Women’s Sex Drive Is More Complicated Than Men’s
- Sexual Satisfaction in Older Women: It’s Complicated
These headlines bring up for me a picture that floats out there in the common imagination as if women were like a complicated switchboard while men were like a simple button.
And if we were going on personal anecdotes alone, my own, and those of my female friends and community around me, I’m pretty sure we’d arrive too at that same conclusion.
Even Masters and Johnson, the pioneering American sex researchers from the 1960s were known to have struggled to understand the anomalies and put forth a theory that could adequately encompass the variety of experiences among their female research participants.
Whether we’re aware of it or not, Masters and Johnson’s 4-step model of “The Human Sexual Response Cycle” shaped our culture’s “sexpectations,” as it were, about how men and women’s sexual responses are “supposed” to work. The problem, which female sexologists (e.g. Whipple, Brash-McGreer, and Basson) have been pointing out in their research findings since the 1990s, is that while this linear model reflects most men’s experiences, it doesn’t reflect most women’s (More on that in a future article!). The upshot here is that everyone, men and women included, end up perceiving female sexuality as a “less reliable” and “more complicated” version of male sexuality.
So what if this “confusion” about women’s sexuality were actually a symptom of patriarchal oppression at work?
What if the standard cliché of female sexuality as more “complicated” than men’s were simply a narrative that got created (probably since the 1960s with the sexual revolution and the women’s movement) that kept women confused and disconnected from it?
Since the point of the Patriarchal (or “Power-Over”) Era, from these last 5000 years, was to obliterate any trace of feminine power on the planet, and the most powerful means to accomplish that was total control and suppression of women’s sexuality, it makes sense that having a constant state of confusion over female sexuality, not to mention a bone-deep cultural programming of guilt, fear, and shame around it, would serve as a way to keep women disconnected from this source of immense power.
From where I stand today, after my 20 years of experience and passionate inquiry into “What truly, authentically fulfills me sexually as a women?”, here’s what I know:
Once you have the awareness, understanding and knowledge of your basic sexual energy template, your sexuality as a woman becomes very simple.
Why it’s important to talk about “sexual energy templates” is that there is more than just one of them. In order to understand your sexuality fully and what leads to your greatest sexual pleasure and fulfillment, it’s important to know which one you’re operating with.
Just like there’s two forces that make up all of existence, Yin and Yang, Shiva and Shakti, God and Goddess, there are two basic sexual energy templates. I call them “Lunar” and “Solar.
This may take a little while to explain, because the concept I’m describing is so new. But the phenomenon I’m describing isn’t. You know all of this already in your body, intuitively.
To introduce “Lunar” and “Solar” sexual energy templates to you, we are going to start with a little quiz.
Ths is a simple 3-question quiz that will help you to identify which basic sexual energy template you have.
Here we go…
1. Which is more true for you, A or B?
A. I’m most open emotionally once I’m feeling fulfilled sexually
B. I’m most open sexually once I’m feeling fulfilled emotionally
2. If you had to choose one approach to how your lover touches your body during intimate times, for the rest of your life, which would it be?
A. To have my lover stimulate the center of my body first (my genitals), and then move out toward the periphery of my body to my head, hands, and/or feet, last.
B. To have my lover stimulate the periphery of my body first (head, hands, feet) and then move in toward the center of my body to my genitals, last.
3. Which is more true for you, A or B?
A. My sexualily is spectacular! It ignites suddenly and burns hot and fast
B. My sexuality is smoldering! It kindles gradually to a slow, steady burn
And here’s a bonus question…
4. Which is more true for you, A or B?
A. I always know I have the desire for sex before I’m having sex
B. I sometimes don’t know I have the desire for sex until I’m having sex
If your answers were all “A” or mostly “A,” then your basic sexual energy template is Solar and if your answers were all “B” or mostly “B” then your basic sexual energy template is Lunar.
It’s also possible to have a combined template. So, consider these four possiblities:
- Lunar-Lunar (Lunar all the way)
- Lunar-Solar (Lunar with Solar characteristics)
- Solar-Lunar (Solar with Lunar characteristics)
- Solar-Solar (Solar all the way)
How do you know which combo type you are? Your answer to question #2 determines your core energetic. Then, depending upon how you responded to the other questions, your core energetic will either be reinforced by the same one or colored by the opposite energy.
In Part II of this article, I will share with you what this all means and the significance it has for you for your sexual love life and intimate relationship.
Until Then Dear One, for Goddess’s Sake, Enjoy!
I’ve always been completely charmed and enchanted by Fred Astaire.
And I’ve always wondered why exactly. Until now.
Aside from his extraordinary light-on-his-feet dance ability, Fred Astaire doesn’t have what you’d call conventional good looks, he’s slight in stature, kind of goofy, and he doesn’t have a great singing voice, even though he does sing in tune.
But I LOVE watching him and listening to him nevertheless. I can’t get enough of him, in fact. He has a kind of magic about him. “The charm about you will carry me through to heaven…”
That certain “je ne sais quoi” Fred Astaire exudes in his movies is the same power that the ancient Hindu god ArdhanArishvara was celebrated for.
The Power of Ardhanarishvara – Half Man Half Woman
The story of Ardhanarishvara (Sanskrit: “Lord Who Is Half Woman”) begins with the marriage of the god Shiva and the goddess Parvati. Shiva represents the ultimate man. Parvati loves him dearly. One day she says to him, husband, this state of meditation you are in, I wish to know it too. I want to know what it’s like to be you in that state. Shiva says, come here my beloved and sit on my lap. Parvati did so and she immediately melted into Shiva. The moment Shiva included her into him, he became ecstatic.
This mythological story is saying that when the inner masculine and feminine meet within yourself, you come into a perpetual state of ecstasy.
Fred Astaire, at least in his movies, is like a modern-day Ardhanarishvara. He’s a leading man with a debonair masculine presence and a well-developed and integrated inner feminine.
The expression of his Masculine Essence shows up in how he takes the lead, how he is the visionary behind his movies and dance choreography, he clearly lives his soul purpose in life, he has expert single-focus, and, in all kinds of scenarios, he demonstrates an “unmessablewithness” through his solid boundaries, cleverness, swift action and decisiveness.
He expresses his Inner Feminine through his boundless creativity and joy, his charisma, his playfulness, his flow and elegance, his care, tenderness, and romance, his affinity and warmth toward women.
Ahh, an integrated man! Doesn’t that just make you want to swoon?!
Part of the great success of Fred Astaire as a performer was his ability to attract the most brilliant and beautiful female partners. Some say his female partners (i.e. Ginger Rogers, Judy Garland, Rita Hayworth) were even more talented than him. He had no need to overshadow them or to compete. They could shine as a sparkling and harmonious pair together, as if they were one.
So What Does Fred Astaire Have to Do With Your Love Life?
Just as Shiva so willingly absorbed Parvati into him, Fred Astaire fully embraced his inner goddess.
In terms of creating a sparkling and brilliant love life for yourself, you too must embrace and cultivate your inner opposite sex energy.
Whether you are wanting to attract an amazing life and love partner or are currently in a relationship and would like that to improve, your inner opposite sex energy plays a crucial role in your ultimate intimate relationship success.
The quality and character of your inner man is the #1 factor inside of yourself that determines the quality and character of your outer man. Outside reflects inside.
Who’s Your ‘Inner Man’?
Let me be clear, your inner man has nothing to do with the false masculine shell that many successful, independent women go around with. That’s the part that plays the tough guy in you, the harsh critic, the ball breaker, the slave driver, task master, the perfectionist, that is unrelenting and never lets down its guard. The false masculine shows up as a set of defense strategies due to trauma(s) from earlier in life.
Your real masculine, in contrast, stands behind your feminine self to support her. He has your back, so to speak, in a supportive, non-punishing way. With your inner man at your back, it allows your irresistible, soft, radiant feminine self to lead. The world gets to be blessed by your most shining, attractive essential self, instead of having to negotiate the unyielding shield of your unconscious defense patterns (which women often confuse with their “masculine side”). This ‘shield,’ or resistance barrier, which I often see clairvoyantly in women and name “the screen of scrutiny”, may keep pain out, yes, but it doesn’t let love in. It’s truly a double-edged sword. Are you ready to let yours go?
The woman with a well-integrated inner masculine is innately powerful because she can move through life undefended and open to life. She is safe because of the partnership she has with her inner man who lends her his gifts of clear seeing, discernment, the ability to set boundaries and say ‘no’ (guilt-free), and swift, self-assured action taking. A woman’s inner masculine, paired with her Divine Feminine intelligence, is the source of her true power and safety.
For your intimate love life, the power of having an inner man at your BACK, is that you will naturally attract a man with, or call forth in your current man, the feminine in his HEART. This is the kind of man with the highly sought-after qualities awakened women desire: emotional intelligence, sensitivity, vulnerability, tenderness, care, the ability to romance you, to relate and attune to you. These are some of the expressions of the feminine within an awakened, integrated man.
You Can’t Change Your Partner, But You CAN Change Yourself
So what if you are already in a relationship and you really wish your partner would simply change his crazy-making habits of unawareness so that you can be happier together?
One of my clients, a hard-working successful entrepreneur, wished her husband would better anticipate her needs. She thought that for sure, after all these years of being together, he ought to know what she needed and desired by now, so why wouldn’t he just do it? Why should she have to ask?
The problem was whenever he didn’t do the thing she wanted him to, it left her feeling hurt, frustrated and resentful and left him feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged for the other things he DID do for her. Not exactly a recipe for a night of romance and hot erotic sex!
The solution? I assured her, give the task to her inner man, as an act of love towards her feminine self, and if she remained unattached, in time, her husband would follow suit. Outside reflects inside.
One day, out of my frustration from attracting lazy lovers, I decided to do an experiment. I began a self-pleasuring practice in which I would imagine that my hand was my ideal lover’s hand. As a warm-up, I would do long sensual contour strokes down my entire body, because that’s what I really wanted my partner to be doing. I was shocked when a new lover came along and, without me having to say a word, gave me exactly the kinds of strokes my inner man had been giving to my feminine self.
My experiment worked! What I was perceiving as “lazy lovers” on the outside was a reflection of a “lazy lover” inside. To this day, I no longer attracted partners who skimped on satisfying loveplay.
Help! I’m Tired of Attracting Mr. Wrong!
What if you’re currently single and wanting to attract a man who finally has the values and qualities you want without the qualities and behaviors you don’t want?
The lesson of Ardhanarishvara says that if you desire a man on the outside who possesses certain outstanding characteristics and qualities without you embodying those same characteristics and qualities yourself on the inside, it will not work. The relationship will not take off or will not become ultimately satisfying and will just be an ongoing drama.
So, get in touch with your inner man. I teach my clients a simple process for doing this. For now, you can use your intuition. Here are some examples of both shadow and mature qualities of the masculine that you might recognize in your own masculine psyche.
- Is your inner man constantly judging and criticizing or is he wisely discerning?
- Does he live life with passion or does he wallow in disappointment?
- Is he deeply devoted to his relationships and projects or is he a commitment-phobe?
- Is he a push-over or is he solid with his boundaries?
- Is he generous with others or suffer from a scarcity mentality?
You don’t have to work on becoming more feminine. You already are! The great secret to magically improving the quality of your relationships with your outer man is to get to know your inner man.
Delegate tasks to your man on the inside that you want a man on the outside to be doing for you. This could include taking you out on a romantic dinner date or bringing you flowers. When you cultivate a relationship with your inner masculine and allow him to be your dream man, you will naturally attract your dream man on the outside too.
Click HERE for a video of a classic Fred Astaire movie scene.
Until next time Dear One, Enjoy Yourself, for Goddess’s Sake! 😀❤
P.S. An excellent resource for learning to recognize the various archetypes and essence qualities of the masculine is the book by Douglas Gillette and Robert L. Moore: King, Warrior, Magician, Lover